Take Stock of the Mental Load
Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash
When I saw French comic artist Emma’s take on mental load in relationships, it really crystalized some observations that I had been making for some time.
As a couples counsellor, I was seeing a familiar pattern in heterosexual relationships of women operating beyond their reasonable limits of stress partnered with well-intentioned men who struggled to understand what the problems were.
Part of the problem in these situations is often communication. We can struggle to communicate our needs in a way that our partner can hear without getting triggered into distress themselves. Emotionally Focused Therapy can help with that. However, even once the relationship is improved a substantive problem can remain where the mental load in the relationship is not shared equitably.
I don’t believe many man set out to take advantage of women in this way. There is a systemic problem. Over the past generations, women have been increasingly able to join the workforce outside the home, but they have retained many of the responsibilities they have traditionally had at home. It’s kind of like that workplace situation where someone leaves the organization and you are given the “developmental opportunity” to take on their responsibilities in addition to your own while a new person is hired. Sounds great, until months and years pass and you’re still stuck doing two jobs.
To help couples take stock of the situation, I’ve prepared this tool. It doesn’t give you numbers to compare. I’m not sure that is possible. It does allow a visualization of who does what and who is responsible for what. That visualization can be the basis of a conversation about how the two of you work as a team to do better. Sometimes it is about optimization. I’ve had one partner say, “Being responsible for this task causes me huge stress.” and the other respond that taking on that responsibility wouldn’t stress them out at all. It can be as simple as sharing things in a way that fits the attributes of each team member better.
Human systems are not mechanical systems, so a systemic problem doesn’t play out the same way in every relationship. On one occasion in my practice, it was the male partner that asked the female partner to consider that he was carrying the greater share of the load in the relationship and she agreed. I couldn’t begin to count how many times it has been the other way around.
If you can’t talk about this without a fight or a big dose of the silent treatment from one or both of you, well, perhaps it is time to consider couples counselling. We can help and it doesn’t have to be the last stop before the lawyer’s office.
If you try out the tool above and have any feedback to improve it, please let me know. I’d also love to hear from you if you have thoughts about how mental load plays out in other kinds of relationships.
